


Pain

by Moonfoxgazer



Category: Gravity Falls, Transendence AU - Fandom
Genre: Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Transendence AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:20:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27177127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonfoxgazer/pseuds/Moonfoxgazer
Summary: Pain is hilarious and beautiful and distracting.He knew it too well.TW: MENTIONS OF SELF HARM AND SELF DEPRECIATION
Comments: 1
Kudos: 19





	Pain

**Author's Note:**

> **TW; STORY CONTAINS MENTIONS OF SELF HARM, BLOOD AND SELF DEPRECIATION**
> 
> A drabble about pain and what Alcor's relationship to it is.

He could feel it, each slice, each cut, the way the blade cut through the flesh to release fresh blood that dripped down his arm and pittered onto the floor.  
Sometimes it was nails that did the damage, digging deep, making indents, long gouges that showed each movement.  
His favorite were forks, letting the prongs skewer him like he was a fresh meal, dull as they touched flesh, the cold metal giving him chills as he forced the prongs down and down, then the blood that finally blossomed gave him satisfaction. The pain was hilarious and he loved it.

No one else loved it.  
In fact, they would scream or cry or yell in anger when they discovered him like this, bleeding and injured, eyes wide like an animal caught in headlights, primal, dangerous and withering. Sometimes they'd wrap him in hugs, whispering sweet comforts, reassurances that everything would be okay. Sometimes they'd chastise him, admonish him, a soft tone, or perhaps a harsh one. Rarely it was wrath that followed, the sting of words worse than holy water or an angel's blade. Maybe it'd be more hilarious with an angel's blade.

Occasionally someone would have the courage to ask. Why? And sometimes he'd finally break and tell them, let the dam of emotion out, eternal yet ever growing, never easing as time passed.  
He loved the pain, it made him feel real.  
He hated the pain but it was something constant.  
He was curious of the pain, the way his body worked compared to how it should have.  
He didn't want to focus on the emotions.  
He was humoring his primal nature.  
He didn't want to hurt them.  
He didn't want to burden them.

So he hurt himself. Easy enough. Easy enough.  
It was easier than letting the cries out as the vice grip of emotions gripped him. It was easier than letting dark and primal instincts out. It was better than being destructive, than lashing out, than being a burden, a mongerer of fear or even exposing himself to the potential of rejection. 

And when he did cut, dig, pierce the flesh and let the golden life bold flow, he would sigh like it was a high, the shivers of pain wracking through his soul and very being. For a moment he could forget and pretend to be free. It would be okay, right? He knew it wasn't. Eventually he'd have to face the music, answer the questions, heal the wounds inflicted upon himself and the others. 

Eventually pain wouldn't be an answer. At least for a little bit, then the desire for it would increase until it was an unquenchable craving. Sometimes he could find release in a fight, bloody and hard and scary, but he'd win, he'd survive and the desire would be temporarily buried. 

It was curse no doubt, one he'd be with for an ineffable amount of eternities. Cursed to pain, even when his stars died out and people left and the fragile lineage of the pine disappeared. Even the triangulation that started this curse was gone and he was left utterly.  
Alone. 

And so he let the pain bloom and blossom until a tiny hand grabbed his and once again he was no longer alone. 

Salvation.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is.  
> Well it is what it is.  
> Borne from a bad night at home and me processing some feelings.  
> Figured I could project it here while I waited for work to start.


End file.
